Theda Bara as Cleopatra

And it came to pass that the Queen decided she should be the mother of a god.

She had her servants bathe her in the most precious of oils and comb her hair so that it lay comely around her shoulders and array her in her finest jewels. Then she lay, naked upon a golden couch in front of the altar and spoke to the god.

“Bless me, o god, with thy presence. Look upon your servant in her nakedness.”

And the god appeared in a crack of thunder and in roiling clouds of red flecked with green.

“O god,” said the Queen. “I tremble before thee. I am not worthy, but I desire thee. Look upon me and may I find favour in thy gaze.”

And the god looked upon the Queen and she was beautiful. “Wow,” he said, “Is this an offer?”

“O god,” the Queen answered, “I offer my body to thee. Know it as a man may know a woman.” And the Queen let her knees fall apart from each other.

“Excellent,” the god replied. “Just gotta find my… where did I put that thing? I know it’s here somewhere, he he he. I can feel it, I’ve just got to untangle this… Oh! Here it…. no, that’s a meatball. Wait. Hold on… be with you in a minute…”

And lo,  the god did finally locate his Noodly Appendage and, with delight, leaned over the Queen.

But the Queen had long since fallen asleep, curled like a babe on the golden couch and the Noodly Appendage slackened as though over-cooked and withdrew.

The god looked upon the Queen with fondness and with regret and sighed a godly sigh.

“Marinara sauce,” he said, and disappeared.